Warning: this is a pity party and a place for me to spew all of the yuck that I have inside right now. You do not need to read it or comment on it. It just had to be done.
I've started 'teaching' (believe me, I use that term as loosely as possible) yoga at my local studio two nights a week. And... I want to quit.
All I can think about all day everyday are these two classes. I'm nauseous for most of the day, anxious, and filled with the thought "I can't do this. Why am I doing this?" All over teaching yoga. Oh my word, what a baby. I guess I just didn't realize how hard this was going to be for me. I would imagine for some people it's really easy and comes naturally. And I really thought it was going to be that way for me too. That was a gross misjudgement on my part.
Being good at yoga does not mean being a good teacher.
I'm up there, and I forget when we're supposed to be inhaling and when we're supposed to be exhaling, which then shatters my spirit and silences me. I feel like they don't like my flow and then I change it up which has me deviating from my plan, and deviating from the plan is not good. I don't feel like I can be myself because I'm on this runaway train of a class that I can't slow down. I look out at the faces in my class and think "Oh my goodness, they are hating this. They hate this flow and wish it would stop. Oh man, they think I'm incompetent and HOW can she not come up with something better than this. Great, I can't remember if we're supposed to be inhaling or exhaling. Ugh, I forgot where I'm at. Why am I doing this? I shouldn't be doing this. I have no business being up here. I'm going to throw up. How can I get out of this?"
Yeah, that's about right. And all in the span of a few minutes.
Yes, I know that I've only taught a handful of classes. And yes, I've thought about how I haven't been able to take a lot of classes due to teacher training and the general out of control pace of my life right now. But knowing those things doesn't make you feel better when you feel like you just gypped someone out of $15.
I think that I need to just go teach gym yoga for a while so I don't have to feel guilty and so I can just LEARN what I'm doing. But now I'm committed at this studio. Which is making me feel like I need to be committed.
I know. I'm a baby.
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Girl, I know how you feel... even if I have not taught a yoga class before! Anyone who teaches, or presents to clients as in my case, always has the fear of not knowing what they are doing (and that everyone will realize this!) and that those taking the class will hate it. Just realize that you are always your own worst critic. And those people are there to learn, so they probably won't catch on when you have to wing it sometimes! I am sure you are doing great, Steph, and will get better the more you do it. And isn't yoga supposed to be stress relieving, not stress inducing?? :) I will pray for you... that your confidence and comfort go up! And hey, maybe I should stop in one night to take your class, then I can rave about what a great teacher we had that night! No one has to know we know each other! ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteThank you for commiserating with me. You have no idea how the Lord used your sweet words to minister to my nervous heart. Thank you for taking the time to do that. And your prayers mean a lot and are coveted! I would love to have you come to a class! It would be great to see you and practice with you. I would want people to know we know eachother, it's a gift to have such a sweet friend.
xoxo
Steph... your a yoga rockstar. Just relax and enjoy it! remember how much you love yoga and that you are sharing that joy with others. Remember that God never puts anything in your life you can't do without his help. :)
ReplyDeleteYou rock that yoga studio girl.... ROCK IT!
Love
JO
Aww, thank you for the encouragement Jo! And you're right, this is definitely something that God can use to teach me a few things and that I can get through by leaning on Him. Thanks for the love sister!
ReplyDeleteI just have to reiterate what Amanda said. We are absolutely our own worst critics. Always. Other people are so much more forgiving. And I also agree that probably the majority of people in any given profession tend to feel like a fraud who will, any moment, be found out. Even after teaching for seven years, I still showed up everyday feeling nervous, although the nerves did lessen over time. Even tutoring two nights a week, I'm nervous all day about it. It's just really hard to be the sole person in charge of multiple people, even if it's only for an hour. It's all on you. So I get the nerves, believe me. Entrust it to the Lord, trust that He is the one leading you down this path. Even facing seven years of teaching with nerves everyday (and really, that's meant to be an encouragement, not to strike more fear in your heart) I have no doubt, whatsoever, that that was the place God had for me and that He is the one who led me through it. Really you can look at this as an experience in having to completely lean on and trust in Him. And, honestly, I really do think that YOUR nerves will go away with time and experience. And I've BEEN in one of your classes, girl, and you were GREAT!!
ReplyDeletePraying for you and sending you love.
P.S. You're not a baby.
ReplyDeleteP.P.S. It's your blog, and you can cry if you want to.
I'm all over the place tonight, so forgive me. Another thing I wanted to say is that this studio obviously has seen something in you that gives them confidence in your ability. They would not keep asking you back (and trying to load you with more classes) if you sucked. Just my opinion.
ReplyDelete